Change in View

I see you there

We’ve known each other for so long.

I look back on our long conversations,

Always smiling,

You’re so easy to talk to.

You’re such a good person,

A good friend,

Thank you.


I had a dream last night,

You held me,

Comforted me,

I felt safe.

When I awoke,

I was sad.

Hold me again.

Comfort me again.

Don’t ever leave.

You’re a good person.


I know the exact moment I felt these feelings

Please make them stop.

I feel so close to you,

Yet so far.

I know it’s not mutual,

But still I allow myself to feel,

To go crazy.

I must distance myself from you,

And stop the pain.

It was nice while it lasted.

Thank you.

Breathless

I cannot breathe.

I need someone to understand.

No wait… I need approval,

Of these thoughts and feelings

Why does it feel wrong to feel?


My chest pulses.

My mind races while I wait,

Wait for someone to listen,

And show their approval.


It’s so hard to breathe now.

I need to stop searching for validation,

I must rely on myself,

Because I am the only person I have to live with.

Romanticising Your Life

Recently, an idea that has become popular on tiktok is romanticising your life. While this notion sounds well, romantic, I’ve discovered I don’t entirely know what it means. Any attempt I have made has left me with some sort of anxiety, coming to the realisation that I’m not romanticising anything.

So naturally, to understand it, I googled it and to romanticise your life is to:

Being present and aware is the key to romanticizing your life. Pay attention to what is going on and be determined to be a part of it, even if it isn’t physical.

Herculture.org

While this seems simple enough, it’s quite difficult. Through trying to romanticise my life I’ve found I do so many things to avoid living in the present. For example, I like to put on a perfume that reminds me of the place I brought it – Japan, a place I truely feel connected to. So, is living in the present really key to romanticising life?

Initially, I thought it meant doing things you enjoy and manifesting happiness through your actions. Simply putting on that perfume made me happy. The concept inspired me to be spontaneous and try new things. That was my idea of having a romantic life. While the idea of romanticising life is great, I think it’s up to the person to create their own definition of romantic. We are the main character in our own lives, so it’s up to us to act like it.

I think the idea is fantastic, if we create our own definition of romance. If we don’t we can allow anxiety to arise because we aren’t living a life that someone else wants. I felt sad because I’d see everyone else’s romantic life and think, ‘I don’t do that’. Only when I stopped and visualised what the concept meant to me, was when I could truely romanticise it and now the days seem peaceful and enjoyable.

Thanks for reading! I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus because I was sick, but I’m back not to do some writing and can’t wait 😊

Empty

I can feel everything,

All the pain and heartache,

Every moment of torture endured.

Yet, all that’s present is emptiness.


I thought to be empty was freedom,

From emotion,

I was wrong.

It’s when you’ve felt so much,

That every inch of you has been taken,

All that’s left is the trauma felt.


I am a shadow of my former self,

Any little bits that have returned,

Are broken.

It’s only when I can recognise myself,

That the emptiness will dissipate.

Only then I can be me.

Creating a Safe Space

It’s hard to express your thoughts, especially when telling someone. Often at times you don’t even need to voice them, just write or draw them. Something that really helps with expression is a safe space. While there are formal definitions, for me it’s a place where I can store my thoughts, feelings and desires. For example, a journal or a blog where you post poems. Expression is a great tool to connect with others but also yourself. Which is why a safe space doesn’t need to be somewhere everyone can necessarily go, it’s for your mind only. Some ideas:

  • A corner in your bedroom. Decorate it and make it comfortable. Then go there and write, draw, reflect or anything you desire.
  • Create a folder on whatever platform that you can use as a journal or somewhere to keep your thoughts.
  • A note book, to draw or write, something you can just carry everywhere with you.
  • It could even be a whole room where you do your hobbies and create.

The purpose of these spaces is to take yourself away from the big scary world just for a little bit. In doing so you can process and understand your emotions. Personally, my room is somewhere I can relax away from the world, write poetry and draw. At the end of reflecting I feel better and know that it’s going to be okay when I return to the big scary world.

Thanks for reading! I find it quite hard to take myself away from the world to reflect and focus, so my mind often wonders when I’m trying to work. That’s what inspired this post and I hope it encourages or reminds someone go visit their safe space.

Stalemate

All you do is hurt

The laughter and love is gone.

Yet, she stays.


Mentally, I have left.

I know the consequences of being around him.

But you simply ignore it.

When will enough be enough?


What is left for him to take from you?

… your children?

He couldn’t possibly take that.

We’ve seen and felt the abuse.

So, tell me why… why are we still here?

Trapped in a vicious cycle.

In a war.


I hope for the day we aren’t on a metaphorical battlefield,

Where a war rages on for what seems like an eternity.

If either side moves an inch, all hell breaks loose.

The arsenal is equally matched.

We will forever be at a stalemate,

Until one side either falls or endures enough hits to come out victorious.

The question is will that day ever come?


It pains me to say it but no.

Wars are only ever won when there’s death,

The last man standing comes out victorious.

It’s such a pity you choose to spend your life on the battle front,

Against your will…

I hope one day we can be free,

Together.

Pause

Time moves so fast,

It’s hard to take a breath.

Thoughts wander,

Negativity sets in,

I need to stop and breathe.


Distractions don’t allow reflection,

They only speed up time.

Only one thing helps,

Pausing.


Stop,

Take a breath,

Create.

Let the words flow.

It’s only then the mind can be set free

So join me,

Unleash your creativity,

Don’t let the thoughts grow too large.

Attention

I’m cold

Not outside, but in

I cannot feel anyone’s warmth

There’s no love or support to envelope me

Only emptiness and ice remains


Please, someone hold my hand

I need attention

My fears are too strong

Anxiety is growing.

Validate my feelings,

It can help set me free.


Now that someone’s here,

I’m no longer cold and empty,

It’s been replaced by warmth.

Thank you for the validation,

I don’t feel so alone anymore.

Inspiration

I can see the stars,

Shining bright up above.

They look down on me smiling.


I don’t know when it happened,

But now I’m just as bright as them

I can feel the light exploding from me

My creativity is free


It’s going to end soon,

This new found light

But it’s okay.

I made something beauitful

And…when I look up at the sky,

I am reminded that I can shine as bright as them

Mid 2020 Reflections

It’s finally the second half of the year, and like most people, I’m counting down the months until it ends. Despite this, I’ve learnt and grown a lot this year, so I want to share these lessons in hope others can reflect.

  • Focus on yourself. You can’t please everyone because it’s exhausting, do be kind to others but not at your expense.
  • Forming new habits takes time and energy. You need the willpower to do so and it’s bloody hard. I managed to successfully learn one new habit this year out of the many I’ve tried. It takes time and if you want it bad enough you’ll get there!
  • Fitness and healthy eating go hand in hand, and it also effects your mood significantly. Healthy eating is hard and so is exercising. This pandemic has made it even harder for some to do both, and I think the greatest effect its all had is in my mood. Which is why I’ve started doing little things to stay active and I’m feeling great.
  • I am in control. Everything I want to do is up to me to do it and no one else. Lack of control is scary and we sometimes don’t realise that we are in control. That’s why I remind myself of this every so often.
  • I need to play my part in social and environmental issues. It can’t go ignored anymore because racism is still prevalent and that’s not on. In terms of the environment, there are hundreds of small easy things I can incorporate into my life to increase the chances of a better future. So I’ve learned the small things to do my part. I may not have a loud voice yet but I can still do the little things.
  • The future is scary but it’s not set in stone.
  • Live your life like your the main character. Because you are. No one else is living your life, so go out there and achieve your goals.

These are just a few lessons learned and I’ve found they were greatly influenced by a lot of events that happened this year. While it has been a long and eventful half year, let’s hope the second half is better. And I’d love to hear any lessons you’ve learned this year!