Anger is Toxic – 18th of December

Hey everyone, just a little diary entry for today where I moved backwards into my journey of developing my character. I’ll discuss anger and why it is dangerous and reflect on my actions.

I have been trying to be less angry and annoyed at everything. Maybe it’s the 40 degree weather or the disturbed sleep, but I am not proud of myself today.

So here’s the scenario, I put and a Harry Potter advent calendar somewhere in my house because I don’t have room for it in my room and it’s Christmassy anyway. We decorate for Christmas and I thought it would be okay. Now, my house has always been messy and cluttered so would it make a difference where it was? No. My sister moved it into my room. She’s currently on a cleaning expedition and despite her best efforts (which isn’t much), the house is still a mess. I went to put it back and she outright refused, because it doesn’t look good there and there’s things already there. She put something else Christmassy there. So I get angry, put it somewhere else where things already were since we can apparently just remove things now, then I accidentally broke something. Am I proud of it? No. Did I apologise? No. I do feel guilty, but at this present time I cannot speak to my family without fuming. That place wasn’t good enough either and she moved it to the top of a really tall bookshelf where I can’t reach it and open it, thus defeating the purpose. So I just opened the whole thing, out of anger and ruined the surprise for myself. I know it’s my own fault but it’s like I don’t live here. I can’t decide where to put anything, she’s taken complete control. Even with the Christmas tree, my mum didn’t want it where it currently is and if she said anything she would endure the wraith of my sister. It’s a ridiculous fight, I know and it blew up purely because of my anger but I hate having so little control. My room is a dumping ground for other people’s shit at times so it’s unfair. Next time, I’ll just walk away, no more anger or frustration.

Why I Hate Anger:

My household has always been an anger fuelled environment and it translated onto me and my sister. Anger has no benefit, it just hurts people. You can do harm physically and mentally in times of anger which is why I hate it and I am trying to escape that toxic environment. Ever since I moved back in however, I’m surrounded by it. I don’t want to go into too much depth but it’s hard to remain calm in this environment and I’m trying my hardest.

I need to remember that people’s actions can only affect me if I let them affect me. And if these people act in certain ways that can be perceived as upsetting, then they aren’t worth it. At the end of the day, I need to live with myself. Recently, I have been reading a lot of Stoic writings and will hopefully make a blog post about it.

How Did I Feel Better?

I sat down alone so I wouldn’t blow up again, did my make up to calm me down and wrote. Makeup is quite artistic at times so I threw on new eyeshadow colours to distract myself and did a full face. I also took some pictures so I could learn to love myself and feel good about myself despite being a bit emotional earlier. I also wrote this post to get things off of my chest and show people it’s okay to revert back to your old self sometimes, as long as you reflect and improve.

Thanks for listening everyone, I really needed to get it off my chest to move on.

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