I lie here,
My eyes are shut,
Yet, my mind is processing a million thoughts.
When will the peace arrive?
How long has it been?
All felt within a second.
Time has vanished.
Why won’t my mind rest?
I came here to work.
Please don’t make me feel this way,
There’s too many distractions.
So I ask please…stop.
Don’t turn an innocent crush into something more.
I don’t know when it started,
But now I like the attention,
You said you have my back.
Is that true?
Why do you?
I couldn't take the thoughts anymore,
I need to focus.
That’s why I confessed.
Was it self-sabotage?
Rejection hurts but maybe you’ll stop,
And glancing were my eyes aren’t.
Why do I have to lower myself?
To hurt myself to stop you?
It didn’t work,
It built you up.
And now I’m left here.
You said you understood why I had to hear you say it,
All the while you glanced at my lips.
I wish it would end here.
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Trigger warning: Some of the words in this poem can imply suicide. It’s up to your own interpretation, however please be cautious.
For someone to notice.
Each day is growing harder,
Each breath becoming a gasp.
The perfect storm is in my head,
Yet, my words are obslete.
How much longer will I endure?
I’m counting down the days,
Until my mind is at peace.
I don’t know how or when the storm inside will subside.
But exhaustion has set in,
Every movement agony.
How much more can I take?
I’m so afraid,
Of what I am capable of,
And the consequences of trusting others.
The world is cruel.
All I can do is wait and see,
If someone can pull the words out of me.
By reaching out,
To ask me,
‘R U OK?’
Mental health is incredibly important and having struggled in the past, I wanted to write a poem for R U OK? day. There have been many times in the past which I wish I could’ve been asked that and I know there are people out there who need to be asked that right now. I try to make my blog a safespace for self-expression of my own thoughts through poetry because it helps with my healing, but it also helps others to know they’re not alone. If anyone needs to talk right now, my inbox is always open!
The past is a cold, dark place,
Devoid of all happiness.
Reflecting only leads to guilt
How could I have done better?
Am I really to blame?
Yet there’s one question that fails to surface,
If I felt unsupported,
Why do I feel guilt?
I had been hurt time after time,
It caused me to break.
So why would you be angry at me?
And not the people who did it to me?
Telling me that it’s ‘their choice’ to treat me this way,
Is stating that I should carry the burden of their actions.
That those actions were acceptable.
So, I ask, next time I cry or break,
Be angry with me and not at me.
And I will do the same.
Life is going well lately,
It’s given me inspiration to be someone.
My heart is soaring,
And my brain is racing.
My thoughts are strong,
I want something so badly,
I’m afraid of failure.
There’s only one way to avoid failing,
For I cannot be disappointed,
If my undoing is a result of my actions.
It’s so illogical, yet logical.
Incredibly foolish, yet intelligent.
When in the face of failure,
Anxiety is my undoing,
I am my own worst enemy.
I found myself seeking others,
Trying to find a solution,
Only to be disappointed.
Over sharing my thoughts as a cry for help,
Desperately holding back the tears.
Then someone answered.
It wasn’t a solution,
Not in the sense I was expecting.
But, those words ignited a flame in me,
An idea that I realised I was searching for all along.
“Rely on yourself”, they said
At the end of the day,
I know me better than anyone,
Therefore I know what’s best.
No one could help me,
Because I needed to help myself.
These words still ring in my brain.
And I am forever thankful to the person who cited them.
Sometimes breathing is too hard
One second feeling like a lifetime of pain
With no end in sight
No endless slumber on the horizon
Breathing is too hard
Small steps aren’t working
How much longer?
I can’t feel the breaths as much anymore
Time seems to be speeding
Every second is no longer agony
I can see a faint light appearing,
It grows brighter every day
I can finally feel it,
The inner calm.
I’ve never felt this before
I can feel pain arising in my face
From smiling too much
Now I look in the mirror,
I don’t notice my chest moving up and down
My breathing is calm.
I can’t feel my heart beats any longer
My body and mind are silent
And it’s beautiful
I can feel my insecurities rising again,
Out from the depths of my own perceived self-worth.
I try to hold them back,
Yet, all they do is resurface.
Criticism creates the deepest wounds,
My ego is too great.
I’m forever afraid of judgment.
It needs to be to lessened,
Before it destroys me.
The wounds get deeper each blow,
Until my self-worth dissolves.
Continue reading “Ego”
I see you there
We’ve known each other for so long.
I look back on our long conversations,
You’re so easy to talk to.
You’re such a good person,
A good friend,
I had a dream last night,
You held me,
I felt safe.
When I awoke,
I was sad.
Hold me again.
Comfort me again.
Don’t ever leave.
You’re a good person.
I know the exact moment I felt these feelings
Please make them stop.
I feel so close to you,
Yet so far.
I know it’s not mutual,
But still I allow myself to feel,
To go crazy.
I must distance myself from you,
And stop the pain.
It was nice while it lasted.
I cannot breathe.
I need someone to understand.
No wait… I need approval,
Of these thoughts and feelings
Why does it feel wrong to feel?
My chest pulses.
My mind races while I wait,
Wait for someone to listen,
And show their approval.
It’s so hard to breathe now.
I need to stop searching for validation,
I must rely on myself,
Because I am the only person I have to live with.