Panicking

I can’t breathe

There’s fear…there’s pain…

There’s panic…

5 things I can touch, 5 things I can see.

List them and breathe.


Don’t think about anything else

I can touch my blanket…my plush

Everything was my fault, everything

Stop. Focus. Three more things.

My dog…my book…my iPad.

That’s wasn’t so hard, see


Why was I treated so badly?

Everyone blames me…

It was all my fault.


Five things you can see.

Breathe

My Christmas tree…breathe

My heater, my makeup…breathe

My shoes and my lamp.


You can breathe again

Good, there’s no need to panic

You’re in a safe place

Why I Love Frozen 2 Pt. 1 (spoilers)

Warning: spoilers. For those of you who just want to read my interpretation of the second movie, skip to paragraph four as the first few paragraphs is what the first Frozen movie meant to me.

When the first Frozen movie came out, I remember seeing all the hype about it. So naturally, I gave in and watched the movie. I remember feeling emotional every step of the way when it came to Elsa’s and Anna’s relationship. Having a sister myself, I resonated with the idea that I would do anything for her, including shut her out when life got tough, I could relate to Elsa.

Elsa’s signature song ‘Let it Go’ was an amazing piece in which you could feel that after all the pain and suffering she went through, telling everyone finally let her be free to a certain extent. That pivotal scene in which she transformed into her new self after being free of her constraints and letting her power flow gave me chills. It showed how freedom from your constraints can allow you to transform. Yet, despite releasing all the pain of her life, she was still unable to let those who love her in (a feat I too have only recently came to discover is difficult) because she was still isolating herself. She was able to let go of the past and embrace her power, however; fear of letting others in was still ingrained in her. By refusing to let anyone in she hurt those she loved even more and almost lost Anna through freezing her heart. By the end of the movie, when Anna was frozen and Elsa was finally able to show her love, it was only through that release of emotion that she was able to unfreeze her.

My love for the first movie stems because of my own childhood and how my sister and I can relate to both characters. Elsa and Anna were the only ones who knew the isolation they both experienced. I could draw parallels with our own childhoods. I resonated with Elsa as I had to be strong and put up a wall and my sister was Anna trying to figure the world out alone. Despite drawing similarities with my own life, I could only relate to Elsa and couldn’t relate to any other character. Frozen 2 changes that, most characters are relatable in one way or another and it’s commentary is outstanding.

Anna’s Character Development

The start of the movie opens up to an upbeat song titled ‘Some Things Never Change’, which sings about well… things never changing. In the song she describes how the world around her is changing, yet the loved ones who surround her remain the same. She sings how the way she is ‘…holding on tight…’ to everyone around. Anna is a very family oriented person and would do anything for the people she loved because she grew up in perpetual loneliness. She is afraid to lose the ones who she now holds so dear which is why she holds onto them so tightly. These actions are something a lot of people can resonate with as we often go through life losing the people we hold dear in one way or another. Anna’s character is very much relatable because she has so much fear in losing the ones she loves and compares her will to hold onto them as strong as a ‘old stone wall that will never fall’. This idea is one that many people can draw parallels with, I for one have often fought for those I love/value even to the point I will hold them as close as possible, however; this doesn’t always work.

Holding on tightly to others doesn’t always turn out the way you want it to. Anna tried to keep Elsa close to her throughout the entire movie so she wouldn’t lose her again and have to experience the loneliness she felt throughout her entire childhood. At the end of the day, she couldn’t stop Elsa from adventuring alone to find herself. After that pivotal scene where Elsa strays too far and drowns, Olaf fades away and Anna realises that her sister is gone. The song ‘The Next Right Thing’, is a song that Anna sings coming from pure despair. The first line of the song explains how she’s ‘seen dark before’, suggesting that Anna has gone through depression in the past, yet nothing can compare for the darkness she is in now. She explains hows what is feeling is ‘cold…empty…numb’ and the ‘lights are out’. Anna is finally ready to ‘succumb to the darkness’ because ‘the life [she] knew is over’. The first lines of this song display how reliant Anna is on Elsa because without her there, only darkness remains. This is further evident with the next lines of the song in which she says ‘I have followed you around, I always have, but you’ve gone to a place I cannot find’. Elsa is Anna’s older sister and she is a role model to Anna. She later sings ‘the only star that guided [her] was [Elsa]’, further supporting that idea that Elsa has always taken care of Anna and has always been held on a pedestal by her. Without Elsa there she has no guidance or ‘reason’ to rise up, she only allowed herself to be guided by others to rise up for them in order for her to keep them held so tightly. This is something a lot of us can resonate with as sometimes we don’t act for ourselves, but for others, so they can see us in a good light. ‘The Next Right Thing’ produces a fantastic message which is to not rely on others or their guidance to rise up.

The idea of not relying on others to feel validated and develop yourself as a person is one that many of us can relate to, and its not until we listen to the voice inside our own head that we can do that. In the second verse, Anna sings ‘a tiny voice whispers in my mind, “you are lost, hope is gone, but you must go on and do the next right thing”‘. This is the crucial moment in which Anna starts to listen to her own voice. The use of the word ‘tiny’ shows how small her own voice is inside her own head because its been pushed back so many times. The voice doesn’t use the word ‘I’, instead it uses ‘you’, demonstrating the disconnect from that voice inside her head. Anna doesn’t picture the voice as her own because she’s never listened to it and its only now that she is starting to. And in darkness, the voice is telling her ‘to do the next right thing’, to ‘not look too far ahead’ and ‘break it down to this next breath, this next step’. This process that the voice inside Anna’s head is telling her really resonates with me because in those moments I suffered with depresssion, just getting through the day, one day after another, life slowly was able to get better. Frozen 2 brought a whole new side to Anna that wasn’t present in the first movie. In the first movie she was always bubbly and determined, and in this move, her mental health issues are demonstrated incredibly well.

I didn’t plan for the section on Anna to be this long, it wasn’t until I started reading and writing that I felt the need to express how I saw Anna’s character. So I will divide my analysis up into parts and continue to write about the other characters I could draw parallels with.

Feeling Myself – 16th of December

I spent the day relaxing in bed with my cat. I kind of feel like I should leave the house but it’s summer and it’s too hot outside. I recently finished my course and I am continuing to find myself being unsatisfied with what I’m doing. I just sit at home doing nothing… which don’t get me wrong I love relaxing for once but I want to do something more.

I don’t want a job because I’m going to continue studying. Or maybe it’s not so much I don’t want one…I’m just afraid because I’ve only ever tutored before and no one will probably hire me. Oh well. Eventually I will get the courage to apply.

During the past year I gained a lot of weight due to my mental health and I’m trying to lose that currently. I just don’t feel confident in my own skin anymore. I started doing keto yesterday because I’ve done it in the past and it did help. But it’s also because I find myself snacking on chips and just carbs in general. So I’m using this as a way to eat healthier. And so far I’ve been eating more greens but let’s hope I can keep it up. I want to feel completely myself again.

Also here’s a picture of my cat, he’s a little shit but I love him.

The Light

There’s finally some light

It’s trickling through the gaps

The darkness is now filled with outlines

It’s been dark for so long

I can’t remember the colours


There’s no colours yet…

Only black and white

It’s been a while, since I could see so clearly

The light is growing more and more

I can’t wait…I can’t wait to see the rainbow again


The lights are brighter than ever

I can see so clearly

The darkness is gone

The world is still dull, but it won’t be for long


I can see the rainbow again

All the darkness is gone

I won’t let it return, I won’t go back to that

I was in darkness for so long…never again.

The Silhouette

Somethings watching.

I can’t quite make it out

It’s darkness…

It’s a silhouette

Is it human or animal?

It looks like something in between


It appears everywhere

I’m with friends…it’s there

Watching tv…it’s there

Never close but never too far

I don’t understand why

“What do you want?”

“Why won’t you let me be free?”

The silhouette won’t respond


It’s starting to fade…

It’s getting smaller and smaller

Now that it knows I’m watching…

Now that I’m trying to talk to it

It’s receding back into the shadows


The silhouette is so small now

Barely noticeable!

It’s small enough to ignore

I feel at peace


Peace never lasts long…

It’s growing

I stopped watching it so it grew…

It’s returned

A Day In Melbourne – 14th of December

On Saturday I spent the day in Melbourne basically just eating everything I could. My friend and I decided to explore the city, look at the Christmas displays and well…eat. We started at Qv where they had a giant Christmas tree and cute little Christmas displays, definitely a photo op. Qv is food court/resturant complex that has always been very friendly to its customers, even providing free alcoholic beverages on the Saturdays leading up to Christmas. The cute little cocktails were delicious and refreshing, it was great fun to have a little drink. Being summer in Australia around Christmas time, we tend to have cold fruity Christmas drinks and desserts. Even the Egg Nog here is typically drank cold.

After getting some cocktails, we went to the Thai resturant called Son in Law to find some picturesque Pikachu steamed buns. The resturant was very colourful and minimalistic with lots of neon. The steamed buns were interesting…it was bun with no filling that was supposed to be dipped in Nutella. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy Nutella but personally it was only worth it for that cute instagram pic. The other food did look delicious, however; we didn’t try it because we were both craving fried chicken so we left it for out next food adventure. While at the resturant we exchanged Christmas gifts and I was given this cute bag full of novelty sort of items such as; wine sweaters and fish bowl cocktail mix. I was so excited to give my friend her Birthday/Christmas present because I brought her a Sleeping Beauty glass rose engraved with her name from DisneyLand, she loved it.

After the Pikachu buns, we went to Bourke Street Mall to see the Harry Potter pop shop they have at Myer. I think the pop up shop opened because the Harry Potter and the Cursed Child play is in town (fantastic play). There was lots of cute Harry Potter merchandise that I wish I could have brought to fulfill my dreams of having a Harry Potter themed room, but unfortunately it was very expensive.

After exploring Myer for a bit, we went to eat some Korean Fried Chicken at SamSam Chicken and Beer. The resturant looked like your typical korean resturant and had a great vibe, it felt like I was in Korea. We got watermelon soju which was amazing, if you didn’t read the label, you wouldn’t think it was alcoholic. We also ordered cheese tteokbokki and fried chicken covered in cheese powder. The cheese tteokbokki was delicious, the fried chicken on the other hand I could not eat much of. The fried chicken was covered in a cheese powder that was just way too sweet for my liking, I am a savoury food person.

After eating fried chicken we said goodbye and I went to meet my family. My sister wanted korean barbecue and by that point I was about to give birth to a food baby. But I soldiered on and ate some bulgogi, it did help that I had ordered more soju and well when I drink, I get a bottomless stomach. I got a bit drunk and tried to go to karaoke but no one else wanted to sing so our night ended and I sang karaoke in the car.

Self Expression

Poetry heals…

A while ago I lost my way

My thoughts and feelings… left untouched

I built a wall to hide them

My self expression diminished


Who did I become?

I became lost…and alone

For what reason?

Fear…

I feared my thoughts would never be heard

If I wrote a poem who would listen?

Why would they want to listen?

How could they help?

Poetry doesn’t need to be a cry for help

Neither does self expression


Since then…I’ve evolved

Poetry is no longer a cry for help

But merely a way to connect

To let others know they’re not alone

I’m also anxious…I’m also afraid

And I know I’m not alone

Respect

When will I be good enough?

I’m trying hard…

I care so much

I do everything I can

When will I deserve to be treated like a human being?


I’m still here

Watching…waiting…

Why are you the nicest person I know?

Yet why are you the meanest?

What will it take to be treated well?


You care, I know you do

How do I know?

You put so much effort into helping me

You put so much emotion

So why am I different? Why do I get treated like this?


I’m losing my ability to care

It’s fading

I value you…as a friend, as a person

You know I do

Yet, you’re so cruel


It’s over

I’m fed up

Get over yourself

Question your own assumptions

Treat people how you want to be treated


The anger has subsided

It’s over, no more hurt

I’m staying away

I’m not placing my worth in anyone’s hands

Did you say something?

Are you pretending everything’s normal?

I want nothing to do with you

Fuck off

The Beast Inside

There’s a beast inside of me

It lays awake watching my every move

I find inspiration, it appears.

It casts doubt, it creates fear


It’s gone now

I developed the courage to scream at it to go away.

The doubts gone, so is the fear

Inspiration envelopes my heart

I’m finally doing it, I’m finally going for it!

“I did it, I did it!”

I’m going to show the world what I’m capable of!

Everyone will see!


Wait… what’s this? Someone’s actually watching?

I don’t want anyone to watch…

How embarrassing…

They must think I’m so stupid…


Oh it’s back.

I accidentally welcomed it in.

It’s watching me again…