Feeling Myself – 16th of December

I spent the day relaxing in bed with my cat. I kind of feel like I should leave the house but it’s summer and it’s too hot outside. I recently finished my course and I am continuing to find myself being unsatisfied with what I’m doing. I just sit at home doing nothing… which don’t get me wrong I love relaxing for once but I want to do something more.

I don’t want a job because I’m going to continue studying. Or maybe it’s not so much I don’t want one…I’m just afraid because I’ve only ever tutored before and no one will probably hire me. Oh well. Eventually I will get the courage to apply.

During the past year I gained a lot of weight due to my mental health and I’m trying to lose that currently. I just don’t feel confident in my own skin anymore. I started doing keto yesterday because I’ve done it in the past and it did help. But it’s also because I find myself snacking on chips and just carbs in general. So I’m using this as a way to eat healthier. And so far I’ve been eating more greens but let’s hope I can keep it up. I want to feel completely myself again.

Also here’s a picture of my cat, he’s a little shit but I love him.

The Light

There’s finally some light

It’s trickling through the gaps

The darkness is now filled with outlines

It’s been dark for so long

I can’t remember the colours

There’s no colours yet…

Only black and white

It’s been a while, since I could see so clearly

The light is growing more and more

I can’t wait…I can’t wait to see the rainbow again

The lights are brighter than ever

I can see so clearly

The darkness is gone

The world is still dull, but it won’t be for long

I can see the rainbow again

All the darkness is gone

I won’t let it return, I won’t go back to that

I was in darkness for so long…never again.

The Silhouette

Somethings watching.

I can’t quite make it out

It’s darkness…

It’s a silhouette

Is it human or animal?

It looks like something in between

It appears everywhere

I’m with friends…it’s there

Watching tv…it’s there

Never close but never too far

I don’t understand why

“What do you want?”

“Why won’t you let me be free?”

The silhouette won’t respond

It’s starting to fade…

It’s getting smaller and smaller

Now that it knows I’m watching…

Now that I’m trying to talk to it

It’s receding back into the shadows

The silhouette is so small now

Barely noticeable!

It’s small enough to ignore

I feel at peace

Peace never lasts long…

It’s growing

I stopped watching it so it grew…

It’s returned

A Day In Melbourne – 14th of December

On Saturday I spent the day in Melbourne basically just eating everything I could. My friend and I decided to explore the city, look at the Christmas displays and well…eat. We started at Qv where they had a giant Christmas tree and cute little Christmas displays, definitely a photo op. Qv is food court/resturant complex that has always been very friendly to its customers, even providing free alcoholic beverages on the Saturdays leading up to Christmas. The cute little cocktails were delicious and refreshing, it was great fun to have a little drink. Being summer in Australia around Christmas time, we tend to have cold fruity Christmas drinks and desserts. Even the Egg Nog here is typically drank cold.

After getting some cocktails, we went to the Thai resturant called Son in Law to find some picturesque Pikachu steamed buns. The resturant was very colourful and minimalistic with lots of neon. The steamed buns were interesting…it was bun with no filling that was supposed to be dipped in Nutella. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy Nutella but personally it was only worth it for that cute instagram pic. The other food did look delicious, however; we didn’t try it because we were both craving fried chicken so we left it for out next food adventure. While at the resturant we exchanged Christmas gifts and I was given this cute bag full of novelty sort of items such as; wine sweaters and fish bowl cocktail mix. I was so excited to give my friend her Birthday/Christmas present because I brought her a Sleeping Beauty glass rose engraved with her name from DisneyLand, she loved it.

After the Pikachu buns, we went to Bourke Street Mall to see the Harry Potter pop shop they have at Myer. I think the pop up shop opened because the Harry Potter and the Cursed Child play is in town (fantastic play). There was lots of cute Harry Potter merchandise that I wish I could have brought to fulfill my dreams of having a Harry Potter themed room, but unfortunately it was very expensive.

After exploring Myer for a bit, we went to eat some Korean Fried Chicken at SamSam Chicken and Beer. The resturant looked like your typical korean resturant and had a great vibe, it felt like I was in Korea. We got watermelon soju which was amazing, if you didn’t read the label, you wouldn’t think it was alcoholic. We also ordered cheese tteokbokki and fried chicken covered in cheese powder. The cheese tteokbokki was delicious, the fried chicken on the other hand I could not eat much of. The fried chicken was covered in a cheese powder that was just way too sweet for my liking, I am a savoury food person.

After eating fried chicken we said goodbye and I went to meet my family. My sister wanted korean barbecue and by that point I was about to give birth to a food baby. But I soldiered on and ate some bulgogi, it did help that I had ordered more soju and well when I drink, I get a bottomless stomach. I got a bit drunk and tried to go to karaoke but no one else wanted to sing so our night ended and I sang karaoke in the car.

Self Expression

Poetry heals…

A while ago I lost my way

My thoughts and feelings… left untouched

I built a wall to hide them

My self expression diminished

Who did I become?

I became lost…and alone

For what reason?


I feared my thoughts would never be heard

If I wrote a poem who would listen?

Why would they want to listen?

How could they help?

Poetry doesn’t need to be a cry for help

Neither does self expression

Since then…I’ve evolved

Poetry is no longer a cry for help

But merely a way to connect

To let others know they’re not alone

I’m also anxious…I’m also afraid

And I know I’m not alone


When will I be good enough?

I’m trying hard…

I care so much

I do everything I can

When will I deserve to be treated like a human being?

I’m still here


Why are you the nicest person I know?

Yet why are you the meanest?

What will it take to be treated well?

You care, I know you do

How do I know?

You put so much effort into helping me

You put so much emotion

So why am I different? Why do I get treated like this?

I’m losing my ability to care

It’s fading

I value you…as a friend, as a person

You know I do

Yet, you’re so cruel

It’s over

I’m fed up

Get over yourself

Question your own assumptions

Treat people how you want to be treated

The anger has subsided

It’s over, no more hurt

I’m staying away

I’m not placing my worth in anyone’s hands

Did you say something?

Are you pretending everything’s normal?

I want nothing to do with you

Fuck off

The Beast Inside

There’s a beast inside of me

It lays awake watching my every move

I find inspiration, it appears.

It casts doubt, it creates fear

It’s gone now

I developed the courage to scream at it to go away.

The doubts gone, so is the fear

Inspiration envelopes my heart

I’m finally doing it, I’m finally going for it!

“I did it, I did it!”

I’m going to show the world what I’m capable of!

Everyone will see!

Wait… what’s this? Someone’s actually watching?

I don’t want anyone to watch…

How embarrassing…

They must think I’m so stupid…

Oh it’s back.

I accidentally welcomed it in.

It’s watching me again…

Falling Asleep

I’m afraid to sleep.

No…wait I’m afraid to try and fall asleep…

I close my eyes but there’s no darkness

There’s no light… there’s only shadows

The shadows dance around demonically

I can’t quite make out what they are

Are they people?

They look like people

Do I know them?

If I lay here with my eyes closed long enough, maybe I can find out…

They’re becoming clearer

Oh, all of the shadow figures look the same

No wait! There’s one small shadow in the centre

It’s the smallest of them all

It seems trapped

Poor thing can’t seem to escape them

The rest of the shadows are pointing at the small one, laughing…

I can’t do anything to help

All I can do is watch

They’re all becoming clearer

Hey! I recognise that one!

And that one!

They’re all clear as day except the small one

Who is it?

Oh! She has short hair!

Who do I know with short hair?

She’s a bit on the chubby side…

Who am I looking at?

Her face is becoming clearer…

Almost there…

Oh. it’s me.