Poetry

Never Enough

My dreams are too big,

They encompass too much.

I look for joy in what I do,

And sometimes I do find it.


Yet…there’s always something,

Creeping in.

Every time.


Thoughts that tell me,

‘You’re not good enough’,

‘Not a single person cares’.

Does it get to me?

Yes.


Everything I do,

Is just never enough.

I think two leaps forward,

Instead of steps.


Slowly,

The thoughts subside.

But not until…

my willpower is gone.


Check out my new science blog and my first post on Climate Change!

I also just wanted to wish everyone in the US good luck, here’s to hoping Biden is elected!

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Uncategorized

Goodbye

You were always there,

Waiting,

Watching.


Sometimes I moved too fast.

Time wouldn’t slow down.

So,

I couldn’t give you as much as I wanted to.


Yet,

That didn’t matter.

You always loved.

A love so pure,

And kind.


It’s hard when a pet passes.

Equally as hard as a human.

They’re there,

Always.

Even in death.

A reminder of them lingers.

Because without them,

The world truely is a different place.


Thanks for reading! This poem is dedicated to my cat Taylor who passed away this morning. Our pets are truely a gift and they deserve of every bit of love we can give. Sometimes it’s hard, but in the end they love us unconditionally.

Uncategorized

Normalising Mental Health

Tiktok has been a great platform for education on many topics, one of which being mental health. It’s fantastic that it’s becoming more normalised in…

Normalising Mental Health

This is a repost because the WordPress app keeps glitching on me. For some reason it posts my scheduled posts a month earlier if I’m not extra vigilant. As a result it gets less reads, which can be disheartening when you work hard on it and WordPress stuffs up. Also if anyone knows how to fix this problem please let me know!

Poetry

Finding a Voice

I’ve never had a voice before.

It took me 22 years to find it.

To realise what I’m fighting for,

To see what’s important.


What is important?

A world without corruption,

With complete and utter equality,

And people who let love in,

Without hurting them because of their own insecurities.


We have so far to go,

But people are speaking up.

Those who never had a voice are,

And it’s beautiful.


We are so sick of oppression,

And the exhaustion from taking it.

But every voice that rises out of the shadows,

Slowly grows louder.


It took me years,

And it will probably take me years more.,

To be loud enough.

I will make sure that everyone hears me.

Because so many of us deserve so much better.


So, if you’re like me.

Trying to find a voice,

I’m incredibly happy for you.

Not proud.

Because you’re not doing it for me.

You’re doing it for you and everyone like you.

Everyone who has felt your pain,

And is struggling to hold on.


I’m happy for you,

And I thank you.

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Poetry

Power

Why…?

Why do you strive for such power?

What’s the cost?

I ask myself these questions every day.


Is it worth the hurt?

The pain?

The suffering you cause,

Stepping all over others to rise above?

Why is it necessary?

Seriously…please tell me.

I beg you.

Because this has gone on long enough.


We are no longer cave men,

Fighting for survival.

Or animals doing the same.

We like to see ourselves as so much mightier.

Because we’ve come so far.

Than the way we were,

And our animal counterparts.


But we are so wrong.

How are we any different if we continue to give into these anger fuelled animalistic traits?

The traits that make us step over others.

By all means, achieve!

But don’t do it in such a way,

That you break people down to get so high.


We are all human.

And we more or less strive for the same thing,

To just be happy.

So, answer me one more question.

How do you sleep at night?

Knowing all the backs you’ve trodden on to get there.

Because I could never do that,

No matter how much I’m stepped on.

story

Short Story – The Butterfly Effect

Everyone wishes they could turn back time. Undo their past mistakes, forget the shame and embarrassment. Yet, there’s one thing people never think about – the consequences of the pain that was felt. I learnt the hard way. That this universe is a bubble, one of an infinite number of scenarios. Every choice made causes another bubble to form and split off. I guess each and every one of us really are the centre of our own reality. Our choices set events in motion. Why would we want to mess with the nature of universe? Because of pain. Well that’s why I did. Do I regret it? Yes. Let me start from the beginning.

I screwed up. Multiple times in fact. I can see my life so easily in a sequence of traumatic mistakes and events. Bullying from a young age, isolation, a drug abusive father and well the list goes on. It’s not that my life was bad, it just was full of trauma which definitely had an effect on me. I was anxious, had trust issues, anger issues, some depression but I was always ok. Just ok and that was good enough for me. Then one day, despite all the strength I had in my mind and body, something finally broke me. I was abused, publicly humiliated and set up to fail. Did that destroy me? Yes. I wished I was dead, over and over again. It was a thought that consumed my mind. Then, it transformed. I no longer wished to be dead, I wished for the past to be, like it just didn’t happen. Or that I just didn’t live through it.

Words are incredibly powerful. But thoughts hold even more power. I didn’t know the effect they had. There was no build up. It just happened. Quickly and effortlessly. Like my past was based on of millions of scenarios and I could just substitute it for another. I thought of how I wish the past would die and it simply did. I didn’t know why it happened to me. I didn’t understand why the universe would choose me to give this power to. It just did. I definitely used it. First, I erased the thing that broke me and it was gone in a puff of smoke. The memories were still with me, yet it was like I watched them on a TV show. There was a disconnect. Any effect it had on me was expelled. The weird thing was that the memories that filled its place didn’t entirely seem like I was me in them. I didn’t question why at the time. Who would with this new found power? Naturally, I was cautious but I needed to see if it could happen again.

The next thing I wanted to change was something from my childhood. Could I have an effect on events that far in the past? I had no clue. But I chose something that I knew had effected me until my adult life. I thought of the bullying and wished it death. Just like that, it was gone. A distant TV show of myself that I had watched. The memories there but none of its effects. All of the mistrust of others, the insecurities, gone. I was amazed and excited. However, I was patient. I thought about what to change next for a while. I didn’t know the consequences so I had to be careful.

After a lot of thinking, I went with the loss of my best friend. The guilt I felt still weighed heavy because it was my fault the friendship ended. And just like that it was gone. In the days following, I learned the effects the changes I made were having. For one, I noticed we were best friends again. Or I should say still, because the friendship never ended. Then the subtle things started to appear. I was more confident and seemed to know more people. It seemed like it was all getting better. And yeah, I was foolish. Life doesn’t work like that.

I kept tweaking and altering everything I could think of. It didn’t all happen at once, I did it progressively. Seeing how my life panned out each time. Each memory a TV showed that I watched one evening, years ago. Everything seemed better because I had all I wanted, a life with barely any failures. It didn’t take long to see what I had actually done. I started to notice there were multiple of these show-like memories. At first, I thought it was weird, but then I realised that the further back I delete the past, the greater the change in the memories further on. It was a cascade effect. Some were subtle but some were immense. There were also some personality changes. I had become rude without realising it and the people I surrounded myself with were much like me. It had never occurred to me to think about why I stopped being friends with my best friend and people like her. I kept having vague recollections of the people I once knew. Some felt like they were from a lifetime ago. I was empty.

So, I tried again. Deleting where I think I went wrong. New memories formed, even more episodes were created. Each new memory was nothing like who I was. Then, I completely and utterly screwed up. I somehow indirectly caused the death of someone I loved. I tried, so hard to fix that. Nothing changed it. My mother who was once in my life, left it prematurely. All because the fundamental nature of who I am changed so incredibly that it put her in the path of a drunk driver one evening. She was buying a very specific gift for me. Somehow I had gained an interest in knitting and she was buying me yarn. I warped myself so far beyond recognition that I simply forgot who I was. I don’t like myself. I don’t like who I created. I stopped eventually, the past shouldn’t be tampered with. The pain? It all returned in the following years. Everyone has to face it eventually. I ended up losing my friend again and this time the roles were flipped. I was the problem. I didn’t cause it because I confronted her. It was all me this time. Well, I think that’s how it went the first time. There’s lots of outcomes in my head now.

The past is there for a reason. It teaches us to be better. Instead of choosing to learn, I wanted to change the past. Now I miss the life I think I had.

I don’t know what gave me the ability to manipulate these bubbles. I don’t even know why anyone would give me this. All I do know is that the changing the past effects everything, even if it’s in the slightest way. It’s the butterfly effect.

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Poetry

Apathy

Pain hurts to much,
Caring is exhausting,
My emotions are numb.
Does apathy really exsist?
Or is it caused by pain that weighs too heavy?
Is it really just numbness?
I can feel the pain.
Only it’s dulled,
It’s numb.
There’s been too much hurt,
Yet the apathy doesn’t set in,
Every day still pierces my soul.
Apathy must not exist.
Review · Uncategorized

The Inner Struggle Between Good and Evil – Harry Potter Book Review

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is the 6th book in the series and it’s significant in that it paves the way for the final battle between Harry and Voldemort. While most people have seen the movies and understand the story, I have found the books offer more insight into the emotions Harry felt. Throughout the book Harry’s emotions are incredibly deep and it anyone can relate to them. Also please note, many people now consider the Harry Potter series authorless or written by Daniel Radcliffe. I am one of those people as I believe an author that can inspire imagination in children should be able to have enough imagination to at least grasp that gender is spectrum and a social construct.

Much like the previous book (The Order of the Pheonix), Dumbledore is adamant on teaching Harry the reasons behind a persons character. In the Order of the Pheonix, he explained the reasons why Kreacher betrayed Sirius and allowed Harry to interpret both sides of the story. In the Half Blood Prince, the lessons on character were almost entirely on Voldermort as Dumbledore believed he needed to understand his past in order to defeat him. While this was a part of the reason, there was another important factor in teaching Harry about Voldemorts past, so he could draw parallels with his own. Both Harry and Tom Riddle grew up lonely and orphaned, one became humbled and the other turned to pure evil. At one point in the book, Dumbledore questions whether Voldemort was born evil or whether he became evil. When comparing Harry and Voldemort, they both grew up in similar circumstances, so what was the definitive part that made Harry choose good?

When analysing Harry’s childhood, he grew up abused and lied to. He was told his parents died in a car crash, though he still had family and there was some kind of connection to who he was. In contrast to Tom Riddle, he grew up with no connection to anyone, all he knew is that he could do these special things. One of the ideas Dumbledore explained, was that because Riddle was surrounded by Muggles, he assumed he was special and because of this, he was above them. This idea was further developed because Riddle had no idea who his parents were and so he created a fantasy that they were powerful. When comparing Harry and Riddle, it can be quite easy to understand what set them both on their individual paths. Dumbledore wanted Harry to draw these comparisons because in doing so, his own character could develop.

In the Half Blood Prince, Harry was around the same age that Riddle started to kill. Riddle started to become interested in his family because he had this unique ability to talk to snakes and thus he must be the heir of Slytherin. That idea came crashing down when he discovered his family lived in horrific conditions and were living in squalor. Yet, the biggest factor that contributed to what he became, was that his mother loved a Muggle – a group he thought he was above. Learning that he wasn’t special, he sought to erase his past through murdering his Muggle side of the family. Dumbledore believed it was important for Harry to understand this because the journey ahead would involve the discovery of secrets, lies and objects of true power. Glory would be within his reach and he would have to reject it. Throughout the book, Harry is shown to be very susceptible to the effects of gaining prestige. The potion book owned by the Half Blood Prince was an analogy for this. Harry almost gave into the praise he recieved and through trust in the book he severely injured Draco. Through having this insight, Harry could see the consequences of striving for someone else’s greatness, much in the same sense Voldemort strives for the Slytherin familys greatness. Through understanding the consequences striving for glory, Harry could have a chance of overcoming his obstacles, as the ones to come would be the hardest he ever faced.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is a fantastic book and while it is quite dark in comparison to the others, it teaches people to understand and learn from others, amongst other things. Life can be hard and having ones hopes and dreams crushed can have a profound effect on an individual, however taking a path that doesn’t give into those insecurities through seeking greatness is better in the end. This book had a profound effect on me and I felt it deserved an analysis. Thanks for reading!

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    Poetry

    Colleagues

    I came here to work.
      To learn,
      To achieve.
    Please don’t make me feel this way,
    There’s too many distractions.
    So I ask please…stop.
    Don’t turn an innocent crush into something more.
    I don’t know when it started,
    But now I like the attention,
       The flirting,
       The support,
    You said you have my back.
       Is that true?
       Why do you?
    I couldn't take the thoughts anymore,
       I need to focus.
    That’s why I confessed.
    Was it self-sabotage?
       Yes.
    Rejection hurts but maybe you’ll stop,
       Stop flirting,
       And glancing were my eyes aren’t.
    Why do I have to lower myself?
       To hurt myself to stop you?
    
    It didn’t work,
       It built you up.
    And now I’m left here.
    You said you understood why I had to hear you say it,
        All the while you glanced at my lips.
    I wish it would end here.
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