Poetry

Wide Awake

I lie here,
Thinking,
Feeling,
Heart racing.
My eyes are shut,
Yet, my mind is processing a million thoughts.
When will the peace arrive?
How long has it been?
Every thought,
Every feeling,
All felt within a second.
Time has vanished.
Why won’t my mind rest?
Poetry

Colleagues

I came here to work.
  To learn,
  To achieve.
Please don’t make me feel this way,
There’s too many distractions.
So I ask please…stop.
Don’t turn an innocent crush into something more.
I don’t know when it started,
But now I like the attention,
   The flirting,
   The support,
You said you have my back.
   Is that true?
   Why do you?
I couldn't take the thoughts anymore,
   I need to focus.
That’s why I confessed.
Was it self-sabotage?
   Yes.
Rejection hurts but maybe you’ll stop,
   Stop flirting,
   And glancing were my eyes aren’t.
Why do I have to lower myself?
   To hurt myself to stop you?
It didn’t work,
   It built you up.
And now I’m left here.
You said you understood why I had to hear you say it,
    All the while you glanced at my lips.
I wish it would end here.
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Ignorance is Bliss

Lately I’ve noticed exactly how much the world enjoys living in ignorance. Naturally, I became curious as to why. I know I personally prefer to ignore the hard things in life and go on not knowing. While it can be easier to ignore what’s troubling us, it can become quite detrimental to our mental and physical health. So, how exactly can we escape it?

Blissful Ignorance – Agnotology

When I first began to reflect on ignorance it was because I heard the term Agnotology in a podcast (ologies). Agnotology is the study of culturally induced ignorance and how it’s used as a tool to divert our attention from social problems. A recent example is the pandemic, some people are being purposfully ignorant despite the very obvious signs it’s going on. While on a societal level its easy to see how the media and the input we get influences us. So I want to explore the reasons we want to be ignorant in every day life about every days things.

Why Do We Choose to Ignore Things?

Personally, when I am faced with a hard task I like to ignore or even procrastinate it, especially when I think I might fail. The brain likes use ignorance as a coping mechanism and if it isn’t there then it cannot cause us pain or hurt. It’s very much a survival instinct, similar to being afraid of what we cannot see in the dark. If it cannot be seen, it’s scary. If we don’t know what’s going to happen it can hurt us. And so, we can go through life blissfully avoiding/ignoring it. While this causes us less pain, that hurt is a part of life and helps us to grow, without it our mental health can suffer.

How Does it Effect Us Mentally?

Most of us have experience a situation when we would really like to do something but are afraid, so we dont try never knowing what would happen and thus we are kept ignorant. The issue with doing this is that it keeps us stagnant and wondering what if, as well as keeping us in a constant cycle of being afraid to try. That consistant cycle keeps us from progressing mentally and in many other aspects. We need to fail to learn and grow, without it people become less open minded. An analogy is when someone is confronted about their behaviour and how it effects the person. Sometimes they refuse to acknowledge that they did hurt someone, maybe its because it hurt that they themselves made a mistake. But the result is that they can’t grow and move forward, learning to handle confrontation and even apologise. They continue to be insensitive and go through life like that. These kinds of people also tend to lose others a lot because they refuse to change. For me, I try to embrace failure the best I can because I know the outcome, which is that I will become better because of it. Yes, its incredibly painful but we can be resiliant at times and we come out better because of it.

How Do We Escape?

Like most things we do, it’s definitely a mental battle. The mind can be powerful in stopping and starting new behaviours. Here’s some ways that I believe could help, it’s very much dependant on an individual, in saying that it’s fantastic to get ideas and try new things.

  • Start small. Think of something small you’ve been avoiding. Going all in and trying new things constantly can be overwhelming and can have the opposite effect.
  • Positive mental feedback. I tend to get thoughts where I put myself down but I’ve learn’t to automatically talk back to them. For example, saying you’re stupid. Tell yourself ‘no, I’m not’ back. Negative thoughts can have a major effect on ones belief in themselves.
  • Praise and congradulate yourself when you achieve something. You struggled mentally and you’ve overcome. Celebrate in any way you can.
  • Create a list. I used to think it was stupid to write down all my mental jargon. It totally isn’t, we need to express ourselves and correlate them somehow. Write a list as detailed or simple as you desire.
  • Symbolism. This is a great way to channel your feelings. It might sound a littler bit strange but it can help especially when you’re first learning to overcome obstacles.

These are just some suggestions that might help. It’s about finding what works best for you. Many of us struggle with overcoming fear, but as long as we keep trying to push through them we shouldn’t feel guilty about lack of progress in life. And if anyone reading this is trying debating whether they should do something they’ve been afraid of, this is a sign! Thanks for reading!

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The Inner Struggle Between Good and Evil – Harry Potter Book Review

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is the 6th book in the series and it’s significant in that it paves the way for the final battle between Harry and Voldemort. While most people have seen the movies and understand the story, I have found the books offer more insight into the emotions Harry felt.… Continue reading The Inner Struggle Between Good and Evil – Harry Potter Book Review

Wide Awake

I lie here, Thinking, Feeling, Heart racing.My eyes are shut, Yet, my mind is processing a million thoughts.When will the peace arrive? How long has it been?Every thought, Every feeling, All felt within a second.Time has vanished.Why won’t my mind rest?

Poetry

R U OK? Day Poem

Trigger warning: Some of the words in this poem can imply suicide. It’s up to your own interpretation, however please be cautious.

I’m waiting,

For someone to notice.

Each day is growing harder,

Each breath becoming a gasp.

The perfect storm is in my head,

Yet, my words are obslete.

How much longer will I endure?


I’m counting down the days,

Until my mind is at peace.

I don’t know how or when the storm inside will subside.

But exhaustion has set in,

Every movement agony.

How much more can I take?


I’m so afraid,

Of what I am capable of,

And the consequences of trusting others.

The world is cruel.

All I can do is wait and see,

If someone can pull the words out of me.

By reaching out,

To ask me,

‘R U OK?’


Mental health is incredibly important and having struggled in the past, I wanted to write a poem for R U OK? day. There have been many times in the past which I wish I could’ve been asked that and I know there are people out there who need to be asked that right now. I try to make my blog a safespace for self-expression of my own thoughts through poetry because it helps with my healing, but it also helps others to know they’re not alone. If anyone needs to talk right now, my inbox is always open!

Poetry

Support

Looking back,

The past is a cold, dark place,

Devoid of all happiness.


Reflecting only leads to guilt

And questions,

How could I have done better?

Am I really to blame?


Yet there’s one question that fails to surface,

If I felt unsupported,

Why do I feel guilt?


I had been hurt time after time,

It caused me to break.

So why would you be angry at me?

And not the people who did it to me?

Telling me that it’s ‘their choice’ to treat me this way,

Is stating that I should carry the burden of their actions.

That those actions were acceptable.


So, I ask, next time I cry or break,

Be angry with me and not at me.

Support me.

And I will do the same.

Poetry

Self Sabotage

Life is going well lately,

It’s given me inspiration to be someone.

My heart is soaring,

And my brain is racing.


My thoughts are strong,

Erratic,

Never ending.

I want something so badly,

I’m afraid of failure.


There’s only one way to avoid failing,

Self sabotage.

For I cannot be disappointed,

If my undoing is a result of my actions.

It’s so illogical, yet logical.

Incredibly foolish, yet intelligent.

When in the face of failure,

Anxiety is my undoing,

I am my own worst enemy.

Poetry

Rely on Yourself

I found myself seeking others,

Trying to find a solution,

Only to be disappointed.


I searched,

Over sharing my thoughts as a cry for help,

Desperately holding back the tears.


Then someone answered.

It wasn’t a solution,

Not in the sense I was expecting.

But, those words ignited a flame in me,

An idea that I realised I was searching for all along.


“Rely on yourself”, they said

At the end of the day,

I know me better than anyone,

Therefore I know what’s best.

No one could help me,

Because I needed to help myself.


These words still ring in my brain.

And I am forever thankful to the person who cited them.

Poetry

Breathing

Sometimes breathing is too hard

One second feeling like a lifetime of pain

With no end in sight

No endless slumber on the horizon


Breathing is too hard

Small steps aren’t working

How much longer?


I can’t feel the breaths as much anymore

Time seems to be speeding

Every second is no longer agony

I can see a faint light appearing,

It grows brighter every day


I can finally feel it,

The inner calm.

I’ve never felt this before

I can feel pain arising in my face

From smiling too much

Now I look in the mirror,

I don’t notice my chest moving up and down

My breathing is calm.

I can’t feel my heart beats any longer

My body and mind are silent

And it’s beautiful

Poetry

Ego

I can feel my insecurities rising again,

Out from the depths of my own perceived self-worth.

I try to hold them back,

Yet, all they do is resurface.

Criticism creates the deepest wounds,

My ego is too great.

I’m forever afraid of judgment.


It needs to be to lessened,

Before it destroys me.

The wounds get deeper each blow,

Until my self-worth dissolves.

Continue reading “Ego”
Poetry

Change in View

I see you there

We’ve known each other for so long.

I look back on our long conversations,

Always smiling,

You’re so easy to talk to.

You’re such a good person,

A good friend,

Thank you.


I had a dream last night,

You held me,

Comforted me,

I felt safe.

When I awoke,

I was sad.

Hold me again.

Comfort me again.

Don’t ever leave.

You’re a good person.


I know the exact moment I felt these feelings

Please make them stop.

I feel so close to you,

Yet so far.

I know it’s not mutual,

But still I allow myself to feel,

To go crazy.

I must distance myself from you,

And stop the pain.

It was nice while it lasted.

Thank you.